How hard is it to fill the blank pages? Well it’s as hard as it is for me to walk outside most days. I want to express how I feel inside yet i feel constrained. The ties that bind me are only fixed by my mind, my thoughts, the negativity that surrounds me; suffocating and debilitating anxiety that follows me arround like a hungry scavenger. Feeding. I am a mother, something I am suppose to be proud of, but i’m not. I hate the way I have treated my boys and how our relationship has distance over my selfish need to want more for myself. As a result of who I am they have become difficult , attention seeking and sometimes down right nasty. I know they are my mirror and this behaviour is a reflection of me of what I have given them it kills me to admit it but I am at fault and this I am so very sorry for. The self pity that has driven me for so long has only driven me away from them. This way of being, this incesent self pity and hatred for myself has also distance me from my family and friends. They look in and see the girl they have always known; granted somewhat changed not as bright and eager to please anymore, Just sullen and dead behind the eyes. What I have become is empty I can’t even describe it as there is no feelings there to describe I have become a vaccum, a black hole. Oh trust me I fight everyday not to allow it to consume me but it seems that I am losing the battle. I no longer feel I can stay in this struggle my will over my pain. Most days are filled with anger, hurt, pain and tears. Even as I write this I can barely take a breath. I am a frayed piece of string and all thats left is that small tiny fragile piece that could break if a hard wind were to blow. I feel as though I am delluded, I use to think I was a good person and lived my life; well majority of the time; I never intentionally hurt anyone or tried to do anything that would hurt anyone. The result I am on my own alone I don’t belong anywhere really I don’t belong as a mother, a friend, sister, daughter….I fail at all!!!! I am so tired trying to fit that the fact that I don’t becomes all the more clearer. And I know that those of you who are reading this must know, that its not those around me that are at fault cause it isn’t I couldn’t let you in or make you understand. Whatever darkness thats inside me makes me hate myself, my life and my world. It is so real yet so far from reach that there feels like no remedy. It is a cancer, a thought cancer; that in my case can not be fought or eradicated. This may seem to some as an over exageration that I am belittling the struggle that some with a terrible disease have to go through. First and foremost I do not, my plight is to make those who don’t understand…understand. We live in a small world now but still I feel thousands of miles away from anyone…anywhere. I open my mouth to call an SOS and all that comes out is what others want to hear. I am broken inside my thoughts and feelings have control of my body and actions and here I am within screaming shouting protesting but no one hears and if they do they choose to pretend it is a voice in the wind. Not that I blame them for I do not. I carry on! I fight! why? Even though i feel it is all hopeless that I look at those around me and feel I am a burden a sheath that cuts away their happiness like a farmer during harvest I know that I would let them down if I were to become my own maker if I were to take god in my own hands. My love for them and need to protect them means I will never allow them to shed a tear at my hand …for me.’
I have struggled with self worth and finding my place in the world after a difficult period in my life. I wrote this when I was struggling, When I felt that I couldn’t reach out. In fact I feel like I still can’t some days but I won’t ever give up and things that Jenny my MIND advisor relayed to me in our meetings come back to me when I slip into moments when I feel ‘out of control’. So I am walking for MIND in the London 2 Brighton challenge firstly cause my best best friend totally coasted me into it but also cause for me the challenge will represent this life long battle to pull through and get to the end, no matter what. I know I am still struggling and battling with the darkness within but I also know no matter how little I feel for myself I feel an almost overwelmingly, heart breaking amount of love for all those around me it makes me want to to combust. They are my world, even when the fog doesnt allow me to see them they are my beacon and my light and Thank You and I walk this walk for you.
Tracey aka Mind